Leg Four: Safari by the Numbers

4 – nights spent at Flatdogs Camp, just outside South Luangwa National Park

5 – confirmed hippo sightings in our campsite

20 – hours spent on ‘safari’ game-viewing in the park

4 – members of the usual Big Five viewed

2 – members of my Big Five viewed (croc deathroll and nonchalant warthogs)

2 – items stolen in daring moonlight raid on our campsite

150 – dollars saved from camping/safari fees as a result of said theft

35 – estimated number of Saddam Hussein portraits on policeman’s shirt

2 – number of suspects ‘interrogated’ (see: hopefully not severely beaten) by police

400 – estimated number of buffalo in herd that blocked the road for half an hour

x – number of multiple orgasms allegedly experienced by obnoxious American site-mates

5 – average number of seconds monkey sex seems to last

2 – major food thefts by baboons

1 – number of times I fell asleep from drinking too much white wine on safari

too many – inside jokes made about auto-erotic asphyxiation

8 – days spent without shaving because of stolen razor

3 – number of threats to grow a neckbeard