Leg Four: Safari by the Numbers

4 – nights spent at Flatdogs Camp, just outside South Luangwa National Park

5 – confirmed hippo sightings in our campsite

20 – hours spent on ‘safari’ game-viewing in the park

4 – members of the usual Big Five viewed

2 – members of my Big Five viewed (croc deathroll and nonchalant warthogs)

2 – items stolen in daring moonlight raid on our campsite

150 – dollars saved from camping/safari fees as a result of said theft

35 – estimated number of Saddam Hussein portraits on policeman’s shirt

2 – number of suspects ‘interrogated’ (see: hopefully not severely beaten) by police

400 – estimated number of buffalo in herd that blocked the road for half an hour

x – number of multiple orgasms allegedly experienced by obnoxious American site-mates

5 – average number of seconds monkey sex seems to last

2 – major food thefts by baboons

1 – number of times I fell asleep from drinking too much white wine on safari

too many – inside jokes made about auto-erotic asphyxiation

8 – days spent without shaving because of stolen razor

3 – number of threats to grow a neckbeard

Nants Ingonyama! (And other incomprehensible Lion King jibberish)

Having been cooped up in stinky Lusaka for the past two months and change, I'm finally getting out in the wilds for a breath of fresh air. I hate to admit it, but I'm going on safari.

But in the Swahili-translation sense of a journey, not the multi-pocketed khaki vest, pith helmet and beige short-shorts tourist variety.

Since rhinos are extinct in Zambia, I've made up my own Big Five wish list:
1. Something big and feline successfully killing something deer-like
2. Male hippos goring the calves of other males
3. Crocs doing something that involves the death roll
4. Bull elephants in musth
5. Non-chalant warthogs

It's not like I post regularly enough for anyone to get worried about not updating, but I doubt I'll be able get anything up on here until for the next couple weeks. I promise a full report on Eastern province and South Luangwa on my return.